My Polyamorous Cat
Lately I have been wondering about my cat’s seemingly polyamorous identity.
During the day she can be seen wandering from garden to garden, her tortoiseshell fur easily spottable swaggering through each low walled patchwork pocket handkerchief arrangement. Every night she spends most of the evening with my neighbour, returning home to sleep at mine. She operated on a similar schedule at the last place we lived. At first I was slightly perturbed by her perceived lack of loyalty; in time I got used to it.
I live in a part of Brighton driven by community. Each street has its own WhatsApp group, where unwanted items are passed on, reputable roofing companies are shared, and one time when I needed to get to Gatwick Airport in the middle of the night a neighbour drove me there for the price of petrol. Because of this community spirit, it is easy to track the whereabouts of my cat, Coco.
Coco appears to have two homes, where she is fed, watered, and loved. I could equate to my daughter’s situation where she also has two homes with each of her parents. But pets feel like companions and children are children. This companionship element leads to a polyamorous vibe. When I had two cats in one home, maybe this was also a nod to polyamory.
I know this topic sounds a little “out there”, but bare with, there are some illuminating insights on the way! For example, Love can show up between us and our pets in the ways we have it with humans.
1. Words of Affirmation: Using our voice to express affection with a warm, playful, loving tone, even if they don’t understand our words.
2. Quality Time: Spending time together strengthening our bond, whether on a walk or during rough and tumble play.
3. Physical Touch: Pets pawing at us for attention, sitting on our laps, or giving us feedback through purring or slower breathing all helps build mutual connection.
4. Acts of Service: Going above and beyond to make your pet happy, like preparing their favourite treat or grooming them.
5. Giving Gifts: Sharing surprises and rewards that you know your pet enjoys can bring mutual joy.
These five areas support the bonding and fine-tuning of our shared intuition. These are important qualities in all kinds of relationships.
Maybe we can learn about polyamory from the way cats conduct themselves. Here are some areas that I have experienced in my own non-monogamous journey.
Jealousy
When my daughter was born she entered a household of two women and two cats. I’ll admit it, before her birth my cats did feel more like offspring, because they came with responsibilities. They needed us to keep them alive, and they were an additional reference point for me and my wife’s love and affection. When my daughter arrived on the scene, the cats quickly settled into the new schedule. Yes, there was a loud, jiggling, unpredictable bundle that seemed to take up all former lap space, and sometimes meant cat food was distributed out of schedule, but the cats wrapped themselves around the changes, and interestingly became closer to each other. Before our daughter was born, they tolerated each other. After her birth, they would share the sofa or seek shared solace on the table in our tiny garden.
Multiple Partners
While cats live together on friendly terms in the same house, but they don’t think of each other as lifelong partners. Instead, they mate based on hormonal impulses. During mating season, male and female cats mate with multiple partners. These encounters are short and not so sweet, lasting only a minute or two. Female cats are “induced ovulators”, releasing eggs only when mounted by a male. This could mean that monogamy isn’t part of their DNA; they prioritise reproduction over long-term relationships. There are perhaps no recorded sightings of cat threesomes, but who knows what they get up to during late night caterwauling sessions.
Abundance Mindset
If you’ve ever had a cat you know that they believe love and affection are abundant. They will be your best friend one moment and deftly jump onto a visitor’s lap the next. Sometimes they will endeavour to straddle both laps, — stroke between my ears please person one, and person two can stroke my tail. Cats that are attention-seeking sluts will have you stroking them for hours, as they deliver the required hook of continuous purring. Purring is a self-soothing activity, so it’s a win for your cat, and a win for us when we receive bio feedback on our petting actions.
Co-Regulation
Stroking your cat can lead to co-regulation. Yes, you can co-regulate with your cat, and reduce you and their stress levels. We also know that cortisol levels, the stress hormone, are reduced when you stroke your cat. This can also happen when your partner(s) gently strokes you too.
Most Animals are Non-Monogamous
Monogamy is unusual in mammals. Most animals tend to mate with multiple partners over their lifetime to enhance the chances of successful reproduction and genetic diversity. Of course, this doesn’t directly translate to polyamorous humans in relationships for love and sex, but not baby-making. Perhaps, as we human have evolved from focusing on reproduction to love and companionship, animals too will form multiple bonds in time.
Ancestral Relational History
It is interesting that the western world deems monogamy to be the “norm”, and yet it hasn’t always been so. There are studies suggesting non-monogamy in prehistoric times, and amongst ancient Egyptians and Greeks, to name but a few. This article isn’t an attempt to tempt you back into a place embraced by our non-monogamous ancestors, it is here to provide context on the Now. Capitalism likes us in pairs, it can squeeze out more money from us when we are in isolated family boxes (homes) as opposed to community living. And yet, the cost-of-living crisis! Surely a polyamorous approach to living could solve some of our financial woes.
Non-Monogamous Identity
I consider non-monogamy as an identity rather than a lifestyle choice. There are those that fall into the latter camp, and that’s all fine and dandy. For me, it is a mindset and outlook. Maybe that is the same for Coco. I love community living. It makes financial, practical and emotional sense. Having more than one “significant other” to share the load (bills, parenting, hanging pictures) could be tangibly advantageous.
SUMMARY
- Be More Cat and spread your love around (platonic, familial, romantic)
- Remember the relational history of our ancestors and progress is not always linear
- Is now the time for a return to community living?
RESOURCES
- Non-Monogamy 101
- Show Me Love: Constructing Your Own Lovestyle
- Why Do Cats Purr? 5 Meanings Behind a Purring Cat | PetMD
- Why You (and Your Cat) Like Being Stroked | Psychology Today
Who is Ali?
Ali Hendry (she/her) is a Certified Holistic Life Coach (PCC) working with individuals, duos and groups. She specialises in Relationship Coaching, DEI Consultancy, and Public Speaking training. Ali is a Relationship Columnist for DIVA Magazine, the largest global LGBT+ women and non-binary publication and hosts the Relationship Room on podDIVA. She also co-hosts podcast Lov3 Across the Pond. Ali is Course Director on an ICF Relationship Coaching Specialty, and TEDx Speaker (Survivor’s Guide to Jealousy).
Find me:
www.alihendry.co.uk | https://www.instagram.com/alihendrycoaching/
