Turning Red Flags into Green Flags
Every time I enter a new dating season my social media feed is miraculously populated with advice on how to avoid red flags. There is rarely mention of how to promote green flags. This means our dating behaviours are centred around avoidance rather than growth. We spend too much time avoiding red flags and not enough time on growing green ones.
Think of life as a journey, because it is. If we spend our time running away from potential disaster instead of attracting abundant joy, we dampen the edges of life and remain fearful of what-if-ism. And, while pushing our attention outwards onto others’ potential faults, we stop doing our own work, and could turn into someone else’s red flag.
So, what to do? Recognise everything tastes better sipped from a glass half full. I am not talking about promoting toxic positivity, wherein we obliterate all signs of negativity and gaslight the troughs in our emotional landscape. I am suggesting we don’t ignore the inevitable darkness and we do focus (more) on the light.
Taking Action
What does this mean in practical terms? You’ve downloaded a couple of apps, you’re vaguely aware of what you do and don’t want in your next relationship, and you’re populating lunch breaks and evening mealtimes with your scrollathon activities.
Wait! Before we go on, you have already made three avoidable user errors.
1. Downloading a couple of apps. You probably did this because your brain told you it will increase the probability of meeting someone faster. Aside from the fact that you’ll end up seeing the same faces on both, you cannot control divine timing; your person will arrive when they arrive. This is regardless of being on one or ten apps. Ten apps are diluting your attention, whereas one app reduces overwhelm. Spend more time choosing the right app for you right now. And give yourself a reasonable timeframe working with this app, before switching to a new one. One week is not a reasonable timeframe.
2. Being vaguely aware of what you want. This is a recipe for disaster. Have you ever been out for a meal with someone who takes ages to choose from the menu. They become increasingly irritated and eventually ask you to choose for them. When the food comes they are disappointed. The menu represents an app. Be clear on what you want, and your palate will be satisfied. More on this when we discuss Relationship Values shortly.
3. Cramming in time to scroll. Have you ever speed-read a document for work and when you and your colleague discuss it later, they share a completely different take on it. When you re-read it after allocating some intentional time, instead of ten minutes before the meeting while walking from the bus stop to the office, the information lands more clearly. It is the same with scrolling on an app. Choose specific times in the day when you have energy, and cap how long you spend. Apps thrive on stimulating your dopamine centre, they want to keep you locked in, hunting for the likes and messages. Set boundaries with your time to increase your focus. This will help you stay motivated and not addicted.
What are your Green Flags?
I will not be listing off Green Flags, because we are all different and some of my Green Flags could be a WTF/no for you! Green Flags are about identifying your Relationship Values. When apps first started magazines suggested we ask mates to complete our online profiles. This certainly managed the painful embarrassment of being on an app in the first place, and appeared to mitigate for missing obvious personal characteristics that our self-consciousness hid from us. But the world looks different now, there is less stigma with being on an app, and perhaps we are more self-aware from the readily available advice on social media platforms. Yet we still don’t spend enough time working out what we want.
Identifying Your Relationship Values
Knowing what you want, and not what your mate thinks you want, is paramount. It’s like the menu analogy used earlier. When I do a Relationship Values Exercise with my coaching clients, we create a pen picture of their ideal mate. It starts with a simple question:
Identify eight areas that you want in your next romantic relationship.
Notice the word “want” instead of “need”. Want suggests an active choice. Need feels like you’re missing something. Better to operate from a place of choice (want) than deficit (need).
This list of areas can delve into any topics. For example, personal characteristics, emotional literacy, personality traits, financial situation, family set-up, sexual experiences, love language, whether they love cats. This is your list, your life, your journey. Allow yourself the freedom to be honest with your wants. Try writing a list today, even if you are already in a relationship. You might be surprised.
Once you have made your list, take a short break and return to it later.
· What do you notice?
· Are there any themes or patterns arising?
· If so, what is the messaging behind them?
Often we notice that the list describing our ideal person is in fact a mirror of ourselves. Does this mean we want to date ourselves? Hopefully! We spend 24/7 in our own presence so being in a happy and fulfilling relationship with you should be a life goal. And it is easier for the other person to love you if you have healthy self-love.
Once you are happy with your list, go through and grade each area from 1 to 10, from a nice-to-have quality (1) to an absolute must (10). Again, take a moment and see what you are noticing.
Finally, take one of the top scoring areas and think about how you can increase it in your own life. Because like attracts like. By sending out messaging related to this area, you are calling in the same qualities in your next partner. Yes, we are talking Law of Attraction. Yes we are getting into the woo. Yes we are talking intangibles. Go with it, try something new, create a different outcome by doing something different.
Case Study
My client Jo* had just come out of a relationship with someone who was unable to fulfil many of her wants. She decided to recalibrate her Relationship Values list and call in a healthy love. We worked on the Relationship Values Exercise and a strong theme that arose for Jo was a desire for new sexploits. We discussed apps and chose one that put safe, consensual, experimental sex at the forefront of its ethos. Within months Jo had met someone and they started a fulfilling “friends with benefits” relationship. Eight months later mutual love arrived. The clarity she gained during our sessions enabled Jo to work out the yes/no/maybes with the people she interacted with on the app, which led her to her partner.
Understanding Green Flags
In summary, Green Flags can be anything that makes you feel warm and fuzzy when you think about being in a relationship. They could be things you have had in past relationships, or things you have always wanted. Anecdotally, two areas that often come up for my clients are:
1. Kindness is their leading quality
2. They are actively working on themselves
Questions to consider:
· How do the two areas above show up in your life?
· What does working on them look like?
· How do you specifically recognise these qualities in others?
· Where do people who are kind and actively working on themselves hang out? (this could be physically or online). Go there!
Going from Red to Green Flags
Guess what, we have come this far and not even mentioned Red Flags. See? We needn’t allow them the space to worm their way into our psyche. This isn’t to say we ignore our safety instincts and let people in who don’t deserve to share air with us. Rather, think about what transitions us from Red and Green. We can cultivate Amber Flags to decide on whether we need more information and time to take something from Red to Green or Green to Red.
For example, imagine you get chatting with someone and they mention their ex. They say call them a narcissistic runt of a human. Some social media educators would have us believe this is an instant Red Flag because dishing the dirt on an ex discounts the fact that it takes two to tango, and simply focuses on blaming the other person. But, what if said person week later mentions they understand their part in the demise of the relationship. This could take the Red into Amber. You may then want to wait for more data showing they are moving to a place of Green Flagness. Perhaps as you get to know this person a little more, they reveal further information about the past relationship, and you understand the accountability and work your new lover is doing. Remember, we all have the ability to change.
Summary of the Learning
1. Focus on what you want, not what you don’t want
2. Identify your Relationship Values and start calling them in
3. Be intentional with choosing a dating app and dedicate focused scrolling time
4. Consider the value of Amber Flags as a holding place while you gather more data
Actions
Check out Episode 1: Relationship Green Flags from my new podcast Lov3 Across The Pond.
